Let the sacrilege begin. I assume the story of Creation is appropriate as my first blog entry.
1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. 2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. 3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. 4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. (KJV)
1 God was bored one night. The world was blank, really not much to do. You couldn't even go to a matinée showing of "Twilight" by yourself. Even though that's pretty fucking sad if you do that for entertainment or even consider "Twilight" a good movie, though it is entertaining in how terrible the movie is in every sense - plot, production, acting. My God, strike that movie down! *Digression*
So God was bored. And he was playing with Legos. Or Play-Doh. Whatever resonates more with you. And he created heaven and earth. 2 He then realized Earth was pretty shitty, especially compared to this Heaven we've all heard about. Clouds, harp music, eternal happiness, 72 virgins?! Oh wait, wrong religion? Why don't we get any details on Heaven in this, hm? It's all great and shit. "Oh, let me just make my crib poppin'." Selfish mother-(shut yo mouth). Well...anyways. God realized he needed to spruce up Earth because he was going to bring his new pets, essentially his slaves, to this new planet. So he started his process. And God went to Earth and crossed the water. So if he could already walk on water, why it was such a big deal for Jesus? 3 After God tried showing off his trick, he realized no one could even see Him in this dark ass place. So he flipped the light switch and for some reason felt compelled to announce it. So the lights came on because God is pretty good at keeping up with the electric bill.
4 He decided, "Dope. I like this light." Therefore, he made people in His image and separated the light from dark, making White people and Black people. Yup. God was a racist. He got this idea from his roommate, Donald Sterling. So, by divine intervention, Segregation and the Jim Crow Laws were made and all was good. (BBI)